cowards way out

Hey,
It took me ages to work out how to start this letter, so I started it with would could be seen as a simple greeting, however when I saw you the other day on the bus and I could have so easily sat beside you uttered these words and told you what I have wanted to tell you for a long time, I instead decided to sit two rows in front and busy myself with reading a book to make myself look intelligent, because you always have been, and always will be, to me the cleverest person in the world. And maybe if I was wearing that mascara, from that advert on the telly at the moment, you know the one that goes "there he was and there it was ..... ex or exit" yer well maybe I could have told you all this in person. Its not like I haven't had the opportunity - you don't know how badly I have wanted to talk to you for the last 6 months, I feel like the other day was like my last chance because your moving schools and house (I think) - and just moving on in general and that is something I can't seem to do. I don't love you in that way and will dare to say I never did, but my admiration for you has grown over the years and I really wish we were still on speaking terms . I will admit that I recognise your voice before I see you . I know your laugh and even though there is new clothes and hair cuts you still look the same to me, slightly to thin and pale and gangly which shouldn't work because your not that tall.And I see you having a laugh and a joke with the pretty girls and wonder,  if I was more like that would you still see me not as a girlfriend but just as a friend - I wonder if you have just traded me in for a newer model.In my head I think I know the moment I wrecked it because however much I tell myself it wasn't, I know, it was my fault. I pressured you for sex - well I didn't but the last conversation I remember having with you was laughing about gay sex and something I heard on the radio but you didn't seem to find it as funny as me and my memory has turned that wide smile that looks slightly to big for your face  with dimples showing as you throw back your head and barked out a laugh into a disgusted look and to be honest I'm not sure entially which one it was and even though I know that is probably not the reason you ended it with me, it is in my head. Because I think I just need a reason, a totally stupid reason to hate myself for losing a great person from my life - I don't miss the relationship, in the nicest way possible it was never a lot. But the friendship now that, that was special because you were a big part of my life, hey you have been nearly half of my life so far .

All I really wanted to say was thank you .... for teaching me how to be a good friend. You were there for me when  needed someone. Looking back I know you had my back over everything you were the person behind me through it all, pushing me forward to get what I want and making sure I didn't turn and run when it all got to much. You taught me that nice words never hurt anyone and a smile goes a long way. That listening is key and that there is always time to listen and help somebody else ... that judging is pointless people need to just be excepted and worrying about  being judged is pointless to.  You taught me how to love both people and thinks and if I love something then so what that's just me and finally no dream is to big.  "don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game"

I wasn't quite sure how to end this. I didn't want anything to formal or to lovey dovey. So I decided to end this the way I started, with something simple. Because this is closure .... I think. *deep breath* This is the end of whatever we had and lost. The final page of the book.So

Thank you for reading I would like to thank my editor for ... I kid .


So from the heart I say thank you ... for everything.
Live long and prosper.





I hope one day to bump into you and see that smile of yours and know you have found the greatest thing of all happiness.


Bye

I worry that there are people out there that think the higg's boson is to do with Scientology

I don't care coz hater's gunna hate hehe x

I feel people jump on the band wagging to quickly.


"Hater's gunna hate"

now this is a good way of looking at things if you are putting yourself out there. If you are doing something you love and putting that out there for others to have opinions on. So if you are a musician, comedian or TV present. and your making something you believe in, well some people aren't going to like it and "hater's gunna hate" works. This boils down more to just people doing controversial stuff like that twitter "celebrity" who was talking about Justin Beiber being better then Jesus and Micheal Jackson and everybody started just jumping on board and being all like "WTF ????? how could you say this - out raged" then you know she could use the whole hater thing......


But when you name a photo of you on facebook where you are not doing anything that could cause hate towards you or are hating something, you are just standing there, haters gunna hate that is just silly, you're just a school kid you have no hater's.


Now I'm not saying don't get a moral behind this phrase of,  there are always people who aren't going to like you or what your doing but you know you can't stop them from feeling like that just focus on the people around you that love and support you.



Oh this was really fun i might start a series .......no properly not.
( side not i just conjoined the work series and serious together and didn't notice because words baffle me )



If anyone can tell me what that stick it, pin it website is called then please do

When I'm bored I put mine or my friends names into a web address; www. "insert name" .com or .co.UK. I suggest you do this because although their will be many boring websites you will eventually end up at a porn site or better that a lesbian travel website (no I didn't know that excised either) and makes it all worth out - epically as if like me you image the website as an visual representation of that person.

sometimes you end up with a picture of a child in  sponge bob top that just baffles you

best game ever
x

I have watched a few of the Britain unzipped episodes and this has made me wander how weird am I. I know that I am weird: take today i walked in to science saying " Swiper no swiping" because I had a backpack on, I momentarily convinced myself I knew 1/5 of one direction because Jordan has dyed his hair blonde and Alex is Irish so if you combine them using FUSION they make Niall, right ? Can you see why I want to test my normality, however I have decided not to use the Britain unzipped one as its not really for my age range.So I shall go find one .... bear/bare with me.

 I'm perfect !!!!
Apparently lets do more fun quizzes and see what happens

However on a different test I'm only 45% normal

"While some of your behaviour is quite normal...
Other things you do are downright strange
You've got a little of your freak going on
But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself "


 ..... (If this is because I answered the last question wrong I apologise but I don't know which option described best how often I have sex, you don't really have an option that went along the lines of Never)

write this time I am doing am I  a  normal girl quiz and I will show you the questions.

a.		A romance
b.		A black-and-white oldie
c.		An action movie
d.		A horror movie

I love a good old rom com

2.	Your ultimate snack food is:
a.		Sushi
b.		Sandwich
c.		Chips and dip
d.		fingernails

3.	When it comes to guys you:
a.		Are pretty friendly and pal around with them
b.		Hang all over them
c.		Get to know them and see if you want to just be friends or friendly-r- then friends
d.		Act cute and harmlessly flirt

I'm bored moving on.

OK i got another normal.


I may have realised this is a lot more fun for me than for you oh well lets do some ransomer's ...

oh  what role do i play in class : The girly ...OK its nice to be reminded of my gender


Right this was meant to be all light hearted fun but I'm not very good at that so after many normality quizzes I have a little thoughtful bit ...

What is "NORMAL" ? well nobody knows. We all see it differently, so for me somebody I feel to be normal could be insane to you and then there are people you found abnormal like my friend Norbert (OK that's not his name but its less unusual then his actual name) but there abnormal behaviour becomes part of your day to day normality and you love them to pieces because they're them and deep down they are amazing people.

Now I think your and my favourite poet Carol Ann Duffy sums it up pretty well in Liar everyone is strange just some people hide it better then others, or some are more open about it than others, some people feel as if they have nothing to hide and others everything. Its all just a matter of opinion; like if you believe in astrology or you think its bollocks. But in my eyes everyone is beautiful and should never feel any different.

I'm officially the CEREAL GAME CHAMPION.

Yes this is how my family spent there Easter trying to pick up a cereal box with only there teeth after watching my aunt wade through a river in jeans and some silly slip on shoes to be "down with the kids",
this aunt did an excellent impression of a chicken when she attempted to pick up the box and my dad well he squashed the box. And well seeing a 60 year old fall in a hedge is sometimes just to funny.

now i may of drawn in this challenge with an 8 year old and a 4 year old. but for the most un-flexible person i know i was proper chuffed i beat my cousin - who's closer to my age. ha ha in his face now you may thing this is spiteful but you know every time i see him he asks me about life in prison - this joke has gone on to long, years ago it came the time to lay it to rest but no, we must continue with the snide remarks.


that i shall have to listen to tomorrow in my grans now favourite restaurant, its Chinese - my favourite (hint my sarcasm) and its buffet. YAY BUFFET TIME. oh how fun will it be to sit with my too oddball side of the family when i want to be in bed asleep.

When i say asleep i mean resting my stretched muscles from the cereal game.

on over notes i found my CD payer once again which has made me fall in love with the radio and those round disks the world has seemed to forgotten.I have one small issue i forgot to leaving my CD collection consisting of Hannah Montana, pop party and pop princess 2, i need new Cd's.

So i was set a challenge that involved making and decorating cakes.

so on the first six going across the rows dani and olivia - who is who ??

on the next ones - what emotion ???

and who on earth is this ???

hehe funtimes !!!!

my plan to be a freak

I go camping a lot and have had many experiences on this camps.

• sleeping in tin foil
• going to a abandoned caravan right before bed
• bras in bushes
• slutty girls
• the people that really don't want to be there
• to cool to camp chicks
• the new born Christian that has a go at you every time you say "oh my god"
• the fussy kid "I only eat McCain's oven chips no other type of potato (Alex evidently didn't say this)

Well any way me and my friend amber always attempt to get on with everyone nice kind cautious however it always ends up with everyone deserting us or us abandoning them because they're doing something stupid hence the bras in bushes incident.

this weekend however it will be different ....
very different cue evil plan to freak out everyone

1. we will act as if we believe we are truly wizards
2. print out many Zac Efron and wizards of wable place stuff
3. have an emotional break down every time we are parted
4. pretend some women dressed as a man is are dad
5. have boys faces stuck to our pillows

YAY TO BEING STRANGE AND HAVING NO WHERE TO GO FROM HERE .... except to source pictures to print of !!!!!!!

STORY TIME !!!!!!

 "I was walking along the beach with out a top on, with two guys and they only had pants on, then we decided to go skinny dipping, so we where getting undressed and then he" said the girl sitting across from me, she had no intention to make her conversation private and seemed excited to explicitly describe every moment."Umm sorry" I interrupted "excuse me, but I don't want to know about your skinny dipping encounter." There conversation abruptly stopped and went on to more innocent conversations, time past as I busied my self with the work."Yer I had to explain it all again because he was high"their conversation met my ears - okay somebody got high its fine"my mum doesn't mind,she knows I do it, I'm just not allowed to keep the stuff in the house" Oh so you take drugs too. My mind was whirling, I forced myself not to say anything delving head first into my work maybe with to much vigour - I now know not to head butt a laptop.

 A few hours past and I didn't see her till the last lesson, when I was pleased to find out ..."yer my mum gets weird if she hasn't done it in a while" Now I am sorry but this is something I REALLY didn't need to hear "Sorry to interrupt ,again, but I don't want to know about what your mum does behind closed doors"She looked at me, with her overly eye linered eyes, like the porcelain dolly who are 50p at a Charity shop.

"yer I stole this - no my mum doesn't know - I'm just like oh I've had this years"

Finally I gave up and plugged my headphones into my ear trying to block out her voice as I knew she didn't care who know all the stuff she gets up to and I defiantly didn't want to know. As I painted the page of my book and pondered what Fredrick ever show in her, his current girlfriend now she was lovely. At this moment she stormed into the room, her hair partying by itself, with the new year quiz in her hand - "do you remember that time we were on the beach and went skinny dipping... with clothes on" Okay maybe I am biased.

What a lovely story.Now this didn't happen. However Fredrick (because that's his real name) 's ex girlfriend did say all those thinks. But most of the rest was just filling the gaps . I think what I am trying to say is that people need to enjoy their youth more - don't walk on beaches half naked in the middle of the night now -wait - and have a moonlight walk on the beach in some sunny country with someone you love. Don't steal things - wait- till you can afford things. And don't take drugs - wait - then you can also not take drugs. :D

*whistle noise*

" There is less discrimination in children, as they don't feel like they need to fit in, like being skinny and wearing the right thing"

Well I for one can say I think this is complete rubbish and feel relieved to be able to say this isn't a quote from me - sadly its a quote from a girl in my class.

This is the moment, when i realised that actually they aren't the things I feel I need to do. I have no wish to be skinny to fit in, I have a wish to feel comfortable in my own body and to be fit for health reasons - not so I can join the large majority of my year who have you know *whistle noise* and especially not got to the point when "I've just stopped trying not to be pregnant" I was defiantly born into the wrong generation - I like to write letters, I want a record player. I like to spend my free time doing maths and geeking out over Leonardo Da Vinci. I'm not one to go get pissed and get off with a guy, I'm more likely to sit in my room listening to Stories from somewhere or the midnight beast or on bad days the jersey boys - i have been badly influenced.

But you know songs about science, rocketships and pencils now that's a good way to spend time. Playing Pokemon and waking early at the weekend to see the movie, that's the type of person I want to be and love to be.

So where was oh yes, I don't feel as I have to act a certain way to fit in, I think if people just spent less time trying to fit in things would even out and we would get where we need to be so much faster.

Damn I have spent to long writing today, what with this and an English assessment which I dread to think of its results - especially as I now need it to be a b instead of a c.

Forgetting is easy when you shouldn't, when you should now thats when it gets hard

To myself,

Quick reminder.

He WAS your best friend, he doesn't care anymore, he never did. OK.
You have decided to move on, no more of him - look after year 11 he is gone and you're free.
Its on his own terms and you are feed up having to wait for someone to show you how to act around them.

You have new friends,OK one that you better not muck things up with - so that means no falling for him okay - also that would cause HUGE arguments and we don't want that.

I don't want to cry my self to sleep again, forget him.

Katie

Impressing a guy gone wrong

Have you ever tried to impress someone - to make them like you ?  Well i have and have found it doesn't work, when the person in question died on May 2nd 1519 and was supposedly gay. Oh Leonardo how i love you - ( da vinci not de caprio)

I really dislike openly homophobic people - well I think its bad no matter what , but if you can be civil then I can except that. I'm just confused. What gives a cocky 13 year old the right to make judgements on somebody, I'm not one to be angry - well angry to people i don't know (people who aren't Alex),  it just frustrates me. You walk around spitting and making sarcastic comments about everything - don't judge someone with out talking to them, give people time, get to know them. Three years ago if you told me I would be friends with the physics geek, the architecture one , violin girl and that person who use to be a bitch to everyone,  I wouldn't believe you, but now I couldn't imagine life any differently. I have been in the popular group hating life and now I'm happy ish - well happier. So why can't people just except there are people different to you but that's what makes the world exciting, why should everyone fit the mould.

Oh I got all deep and meaning full then. P.E whats the point in dancing and doing gymnastics - I think I'm the only one who loths but loves fitness at the same times.  "I can move in rhythm to a 2 and half minute piece of music if I choreograph for weeks"  yer well I can spent that time toning my body and I know dancers have amazing bodies but we have like 30 minutes its just not worth it - and can't you teach us decent dances ( in more then one way) like ballet something classical, not lying on the floor slowly moving you body up and down to the sound of breathing and coping the same few dance moves where you flash everyone and its all way to cringey ( and people complain and the school musical). Now my opinion is obvious dance isn't my thing this is why i am upset to now that there is a video of me a kwellsy doing the jive, after we have  had an argument and decided we can't be bothered and I am terrible , that's just mess around - how flattering , this was during my fat stage ( fatter then now stage) see fitness would of helped more with this problem but no it was all " Katie can you jump over the length of this pummel horse." i hate when people ask questions like this with obvious answer ( no i cant even  jump over the bench but i looked stupid flailing about like a walrus in the corner so i joined the back of the longest line.)

Well this year has started with a good old rant .
katie x